COWNOMICS

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS*  You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.  You retire on the income.  *INDIAN ECONOMICS *  You have two cows.  You worship them.  * PAKISTAN ECONOMICS*  You don't have any cows.  You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.  You ask the US for financial aid,  China for military aid,  Britain for warplanes,  Italy for machines,  Germany for technology,  France for submarines,  Switzerland for loans,  Russia for drugs and  Japan for equipment.  You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world  *AMERICAN ECONOMICS*  You have two cows.  You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.  You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.  You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.  *JAPANESE ECONOMICS*  You have two cows.  You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

*CHINESE ECONOMICS * 
You have two cows. 
You have 300 people milking them. 
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers. 

*RUSSIAN ECONOMICS* 
You have two cows. 
You count them and learn you have five cows. 
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. 
You give up counting and open another bottle of Vodka

* FRENCH ECONOMICS * 
You have two cows. 
You go on strike because you want three cows. 

*GERMAN ECONOMICS * 
You have two cows. 
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. 

*BRITISH ECONOMICS * 
You have two cows. 
They are both mad. 

*ITALIAN ECONOMICS* 
You have two cows. 
You don't know where they are. 
You break for lunch. 

*SWISS ECONOMICS * 
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. 
You charge others for storing them. 

Friends.......................Forever..................

Result agar acha ho:
Teacher- Hoshiyar bacha hai
Maa-Bhagwan ki kripa hai
Papa-Beta kiska hai
DOST-Chal daaru pite hain




Result agar bura ho:
Teacher-Padhai mein dhyan hi nahi
Maa-Aag lage is mobile mein
Papa-Laad pyar ne bigaad diya
Dost-Chal daaru pite hain




B'day par
Maa-Jug jug jiye mera beta
Papa-Hamesha age bade
DOST-Chal daaru pite hain


Love me fail hone par
Maa-Beta bhul ja usko
Papa-Mard ban
DOST-CHAL DAARU PITE HAIN YAAR


Duniya badal jati hai par DOST kabhi nahi badalte, Cheers ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Facebook - Ek nayi Kahani

फेसबुक 
 
काम वाली बाई 
एक दिन अचानक 
काम पर नहीं आई 
तो पत्नी ने फोन पर डांट लगाईं
अगर तुझे आज नहीं आना था 
तो पहले बताना था 
 
वह बोली -
मैंने तो परसों ही 
फेसबुक पर लिख दिया था क़ि 
एक सप्ताह के लिए गोवा जा रही हूँ 
पहले अपडेट रहो 
फिर भी पता न चले तो कहो
 
पत्नी बोली =
तो तू फेसबुक पर भी है 
उसने जवाब  दिया -
मै तो बहुत पहले से फेसबुक पर हूँ 
साहब मेरे फ्रेंड हैं !
 
बिलकुल नहीं झिझकते हैं 
मेरे प्रत्येक अपडेट पर
बिंदास कमेन्ट लिखते हैं 
मेरे इस अपडेट पर 
उन्होंने कमेन्ट लिखा
हैप्पी जर्नी, टेक केयर,
आई मिस यू, जल्दी आना 
मुझे नहीं भाएगा पत्नी के हाथ का खाना 
 
इतना सुनते ही मुसीबत बढ़ गयी 
पत्नी ने फोन बंद किया 
और मेरी छाती पर चढ़ गयी 
गब्बर सिंह के अंदाज़ में बोली -
तेरा क्या होगा रे कालिया !
मैंने कहा -देवी !
मैंने तेरे साथ फेरे खाए हैं 
वह बोली -
तो अब मेरे हाथ का खाना भी खा !
 
अचानक दोबारा फोन करके 
पत्नी ने काम वाली बाई से 
पूछा, घबराये-घबराए 
तेरे पास गोवा जाने के लिए 
पैसे कहाँ से आये ?
 
वह बोली- सक्सेना जी के साथ 
एलटीसी पर आई हूँ
पिछले साल वर्माजी के साथ 
उनकी कामवाली बाई गयी थी 
तब मै नई-नई थी 
जब मैंने रोते हुए 
उन्हें अपनी  जलन का कारण बताया 
तब उन्होंने ही समझाया 
क़ि वर्माजी की कामवाली बाई के 
भाग्य से बिलकुल नहीं जलना 
अगले साल दिसम्बर में 
मैडम जब मायके जायगी 
तब तू मेरे साथ चलना !
 
पहले लोग कैशबुक खोलते थे 
आजकल फेसबुक खोलते हैं 
हर कोई फेसबुक में बिजी है 
कैशबुक खोलने के लिए कमाना पड़ता है 
इसलिए फेसबुक ईजी है 
 
आदमी कंप्यूटर के सामने बैठकर 
रात-रातभर जागता है 
बिंदास बातें करने के लिए 
पराई औरतों के पीछे भागता है 
 
लेकिन इस प्रकरण से 
मेरी समझ में यह बात आई है 
क़ि जिसे वह बिंदास मॉडल समझ रहा है
वह तो किसी की कामवाली बाई है 
जिसने कन्फ्यूज़ करने के लिए 
किसी जवान सुन्दर लड़की की फोटो लगाईं है 
सारा का सारा मामला लुक पर है 
और अब तो मेरा कुत्ता भी फेसबुक पर है

MBA Vs BE Student

A MBA and a BE go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend, “Look up at the sky and
tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small 
and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment and then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

How to Kill a Lion………………..

Infosys Method:

1. Hire a lion
2. Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like the KING OF THE
JUNGLE.
3. Make him take a ‘Generic Compree Exam’…………LION TURNS INTO CAT
4. Make him take a ‘Stream Compree Exam’………….CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
5. Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he was
trained for.
6. MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!
7. Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications.
8. MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE.

TCS method:

1. Hire a lion
2. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
3. Lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM method:

1. Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour …
2. He dies of unemployment…

Wipro Method:

1. Hire a Lion
2. Give him a mail Id.
3. He will die receiving stupid mails all day……..!!!!

Cognizant Method:

1. Hire a lion… ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
2. Give him Gobi 65 to eat again and again.
3. Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
4. Give them same Gobi 65 to eat
5. Hire 200 more……. and more …….

Accenture Method:

1. Hire a lion….
2. Send him to Chennai, India
3. Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
4. Ask him to eat idli, Dosa and Vada
5. No Hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL…
6. No good food, No water..
7. And say him “Go Ahead be a Tiger”.
8. Lion dies in confusion… he is Tiger or lion……

HCL Method:

1.        Hire few lions….

2.        Make them to wait for more than one year for joining.

3.        Send lions from NCR to Chennai and lions from Chennai to NCR.

4.        Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask them to join testing team.

5.        Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask them buy books on
“Lions First”.

6.        Relocate the lions from one Zoo to another Zoo and tell them
you are to going a better Jungle.

7.        Send old lions to African Jungles (read – onsite) and never
rotate them to Indian Zoo.

8.        Old lions at Africa becomes king of the jungle.

9.        Indian zoo lions becomes frustrated waiting for onsite and
eventually joins any of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)

10.    Lion dies according to reasons appropriate for above mentioned
jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)

If you are in any other company please tell about it in comments 

Amazing Interview!

Interviewer : Tell me about yourself. Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology.
 

Interviewer : BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before! Candidate : Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it .. 
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering. Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years. 
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6. Candidate: Oh, is it ? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned. Candidate : No, no... I am talking about Exams!! 
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life? Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus 
corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative. 
Interviewer : Do you have any plans of higher study? Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education it self was so much of pain!! 
Interviewer : Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked? Candidate : Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai) 
Interviewer : And which languages have you used? Candidate : Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages. 
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB? Candidate : It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD! 
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language? Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly. 
Interviewer : What is your general project experience? Candidate : My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline! 
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job? Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows. 
Interviewer : Do you have any project management experience? Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hot fixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'version control', 'deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes! 
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company? Candidate : Not much. 
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.. 
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent. 
3. I believe in flexi-timings. 
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans. 
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork. 
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US,Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection? 
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our 
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS. 

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Info sys.  So Just be urself......u never knw wats ahead of u....... Be Honest and Original...............true to urself!!!! 

Badalta Waqt

शायद ज़िन्दगी बदल रही है!!

जब मैं छोटा था, शायद दुनिया बहुत बड़ी हुआ करती थी..
मुझे याद है मेरे घर से "स्कूल" तक का वो रास्ता, क्या क्या नहीं था
वहां, चाट के ठेले, जलेबी की दुकान, बर्फ के गोले, सब कुछ,
अब वहां "मोबाइल शॉप", "विडियो पार्लर" हैं, फिर भी सब सूना है..
शायद अब दुनिया सिमट रही है...

जब मैं छोटा था, शायद शामे बहुत लम्बी हुआ करती थी.
मैं हाथ में पतंग की डोर पकडे, घंटो उडा करता था, वो लम्बी "साइकिल रेस",वो बचपन के खेल, वो हर शाम थक के चूर हो जाना,
अब शाम नहीं होती, दिन ढलता है और सीधे रात हो जाती है.
शायद वक्त सिमट रहा है..

 

जब मैं छोटा था, शायद दोस्ती बहुत गहरी हुआ करती थी,
दिन भर वो हुज़ोम बनाकर खेलना, वो दोस्तों के घर का खाना, वो लड़कियों की बातें, वो साथ रोना, अब भी मेरे कई दोस्त हैं,
पर दोस्ती जाने कहाँ है, जब भी "ट्रेफिक सिग्नल" पे मिलते हैं "हाई" करते हैं, और अपने अपने रास्ते चल देते हैं,
होली, दिवाली, जन्मदिन , नए साल पर बस SMS आ जाते हैं
शायद अब रिश्ते बदल रहें हैं..

जब मैं छोटा था, तब खेल भी अजीब हुआ करते थे,
छुपन छुपाई, लंगडी टांग, पोषम पा, कट थे केक, टिप्पी टीपी टाप.
अब इन्टरनेट, ऑफिस, हिल्म्स, से फुर्सत ही नहीं मिलती..
शायद ज़िन्दगी बदल रही है.

जिंदगी का सबसे बड़ा सच यही है.. जो अक्सर कबरिस्तान के बाहर बोर्ड पर
लिखा होता है.

"मंजिल तो यही थी, बस जिंदगी गुज़र गयी मेरी यहाँ आते आते "
.
.
.जिंदगी का लम्हा बहुत छोटा सा है.
कल की कोई बुनियाद नहीं है
और आने वाला कल सिर्फ सपने मैं ही हैं.
अब बच गए इस पल मैं..
तमन्नाओ से भरे इस जिंदगी मैं हम सिर्फ भाग रहे हैं..
इस जिंदगी को जियो न की काटो

 मिलते रहा करो यारो!